2.7 Money, Shame, and Pride

A Crucial—and Often Overlooked—Topic

Why end on this note? Because even the most robust budget or the most exciting financial goals can be overshadowed by a sense of shame over past missteps—or inflated by a pride that ignores red flags. Let’s face these emotions head-on so you can move forward feeling empowered and balanced in your finances.

Why Shame and Pride Matter

• Shame can paralyze you:
  
  • You might avoid checking credit card statements, skip social outings, or refuse to ask for help.
  • Self-judgment can erode your confidence, making you label yourself “irresponsible” or “hopeless.”
• Healthy Pride can be motivating:
  
  • It reinforces positive habits—like sticking to a budget or paying off a small debt.
  • It highlights your ability to adapt and grow.

The key is learning to work with both shame and pride in a balanced way, so neither sabotages your long-term goals.

Part 1: The Roots of Shame in a Hong Kong Context

1. Comparisons in a Competitive City
   
   • From posh neighborhoods on Hong Kong Island to trendy shopping streets, it’s easy to measure your worth by what others have—be it property, education, or gadgets.
   • If you can’t “keep up,” shame might creep in, making you question your capabilities.
2. Cultural Expectation of Success
   
   • For many local families, success is often tied to concrete achievements like property ownership, career status, or family reputation.
   • Falling behind on these expectations can spark shame, especially when you see peers achieving them faster.
3. Fear of Losing Face
   
   • “Face” is deeply valued in Hong Kong; admitting financial struggles—debt, job loss—may feel humiliating.
   • Hiding problems instead of seeking help can compound issues over time.
4. Rigid Family Norms
   
   • Maybe you’re expected to buy a flat before 35 or take over a family business. Falling short, even if those norms don’t align with your goals, can trigger shame.

Think of It This Way
Imagine shame as a stubborn stain on your favorite shirt—easy to believe it ruins everything. But just like a stain can be washed out or covered, you can address shame head-on, remove what no longer serves you, and still enjoy your life.

Part 2: Transforming Shame into Empowerment

1. Acknowledge and Name It
   
   • Recognize you feel shame: “I’m embarrassed about my debt” or “I feel guilty I can’t buy a home yet.” Naming the emotion separates it from your identity.
2. Reframe Your Story
   
   • Debt or lack of property ownership isn’t a personal failure; it can be a strategic choice or a temporary phase.
   • Each person’s path differs, and not owning property by a certain age isn’t inherently “worse.”
3. Seek Support
   
   • Shame thrives in secrecy; sharing your worries can feel liberating.
   • Talk to a trusted friend, financial advisor, or counselor if money stress is overwhelming. Fresh perspectives often bring fresh solutions.
4. Focus on Growth, Not Judgment
   
   • Shift from “Why did I do that?” to “What can I learn from that?”
   • Treat regrets as lessons, reclaiming control and reducing shame’s power.

Part 3: Embracing Pride—The Positive Kind

1. Celebrate Small Wins
   
   • Paid more than the minimum on your credit card? Followed a budget for three weeks? Acknowledge these, no matter how minor.
2. Let Pride Fuel Persistence
   
   • Pride in progress can keep you going: “I stuck to my savings plan—how far can I take this?”
3. Stay Humble and Curious
   
   • Healthy pride doesn’t mean boasting or pretending you know everything.
   • Use wins as motivation to learn more—try a new investment option or a personal finance course.

Part 4: Typical Scenarios Where Shame and Pride Collide

• Hiding Debt or Financial Struggles: Shame might make you avoid all bank statements, fear telling family, and suffer in silence.
• Refusing Help or Advice: Pride can block you from seeking professional tips, believing you should handle it all alone.
• Overspending to “Keep Up Appearances”: Fear of being seen as “financially weak” might push you to dine at expensive spots or get the latest phone—beyond your budget.
• Feeling “Unworthy” of Enjoying Money: Shame could stop you from treating yourself, leaving you resentful or burnt out.

Real-Life Example: Kevin’s Debt Turnaround

• Background: Kevin, 35, racked up credit card debt trying to keep up with friends’ high-end dining and designer purchases.
• Shame Cycle: He felt so embarrassed he hid statements in a drawer, minimized social outings, and only increased financial stress by avoiding the problem.
• Shift: Eventually, he confided in a cousin, sought financial counseling, and discovered practical ways to manage debt without sacrificing all enjoyment.
• Outcome: Paying off one card entirely sparked healthy pride, fueling him to tackle the rest of his debt. Kevin replaced shame with confidence in his ability to manage money.

Kevin’s story shows that naming shame can catalyze real change. Celebrating wins, even modest ones, fosters ongoing progress.

Key Questions to Ask Yourself

(Because reflection cements real growth, take a moment to actually write your answers!)

1. What aspects of my financial life trigger shame?
   
   • Debt? Job status? Lack of property? Where did these feelings originate?
2. Where do I feel (or want to feel) proud?
   
   • List small improvements you’ve made—like cutting a subscription you never used or saving for a staycation.
3. How can I reframe these triggers?
   
   • Could debt be a learning step rather than a personal flaw?
   • Might renting actually serve your lifestyle better?
4. What’s one step toward healthier pride today?
   
   • Maybe share a recent financial win with a friend or treat yourself in a modest way to honor your progress.

Part 5: Action Steps—Moving Toward Confidence

1. Identify 1–2 “Shame Points”
   
   • Write down the money issue that makes you feel uneasy (e.g., no savings, overdue bills, job insecurity).
   • Note how you’d prefer to feel (e.g., “in control,” “more relaxed”).
2. Take One Concrete Action
   
   • If you’re ashamed of not saving, set up an auto-transfer—even HKD 100 a week—into a savings account.
   • If your credit card balance is haunting you, call the bank for a better interest rate or a manageable repayment plan.
3. List 3 Wins (Big or Small)
   
   • Maybe you said “no” to a purchase you didn’t need, started a side hustle, or paid off a small debt.
   • Reflect on why they worked—planning, new budgeting skills, or external support—and celebrate them.
4. Celebrate and Share
   
   • Tell a friend about your progress or reward yourself with a small treat.
   • A positive feedback loop diminishes shame and bolsters healthy pride.

Bringing It All Together

You’ve journeyed through family and cultural influences, emotional drivers, intergenerational conflicts, personal “shoulds,” redefining success, and even creating a Rich Life. Ultimately, shame and pride are the emotional bookends that can undermine or elevate all you’ve learned.

1. Shame can keep you hidden in self-judgment, stopping you from seeking solutions.
2. Healthy Pride can spark motivation, but unchecked pride might lead to denial or overspending.

You are not defined by your bank balance, mortgage status, or past missteps. You’re defined by your willingness to learn, adapt, and keep moving. As you let go of shame and foster a balanced sense of pride, managing money becomes more than just a chore—it becomes a source of empowerment, lighting the way to a brighter, more secure future.

Congratulations on completing this chapter! You’ve gained insights into shame, pride, and how they impact your decisions. Embrace your accomplishments, learn from your mistakes, and celebrate each milestone—big or small. It’s a continuous journey, and you’re fully equipped to lead it with clarity and confidence.