3.1 Fitting In vs. Standing Out: The Influence of Social Norms

Are We Really Making Our Own Choices?

Imagine you’ve always sworn off homeownership. Maybe you love the flexibility of renting. But then you attend a friend’s housewarming in their brand-new flat. You hear a few playful jabs from relatives like, “So, when’s your turn?” and suddenly, a seed of doubt sprouts in your mind. Before you know it, you’re browsing mortgage rates, wondering if it might be time to “grow up” and buy a home.

Sound familiar? Welcome to the overwhelming pull of social norms—an undercurrent of expectations that can reshape our goals without us even realizing it. In a city like Hong Kong, where success is often measured by property ownership, stable jobs, and even when or if you have kids, these norms can be especially potent.

Why Social Norms Matter in Your Financial Life

The Evolutionary Urge to Belong

From an evolutionary standpoint, belonging to a group once meant survival: safety in numbers, collective resources, shared defense. Being cast out or standing apart too radically could literally mean danger in prehistoric times—no protection, no access to communal food, no one to guard your back.

Today, we’re no longer fending off saber-toothed tigers, but the innate desire to fit in remains deeply ingrained in our psyche:

• We watch what our friends do—whether that’s buying property, having kids, or chasing certain careers—and a part of us wonders: “Should I be doing that too?”
• We absorb subtle social cues—a parent’s raised eyebrow about your job, a relative’s playful joke about “settling down,” or a friend’s brag about their new Tesla—and it seeps into our subconscious: “Maybe I need to catch up.”

This primal drive to “stay in the tribe” can override personal convictions we once held firmly—like believing we’d never want kids or insisting we’d never take on a massive mortgage.

The Collective Mentality in Hong Kong

In a high-density, fast-moving city:

• Success is often showcased through property, brand-name items, or a thriving, stable career.
• Everyone seems to have a timeline—buy property by 30, marry by 32, upgrade career by 35.

You might initially feel content renting or living a more relaxed lifestyle. But see a wave of peers snapping up flats, or read social media posts about skyrocketing property prices, and a FOMO alarm goes off: “Am I missing out? Is it time for me to do the same?”

The kicker: We might not consciously choose to adopt these goals—our subconscious often steers us. One offhand remark from a cousin or a sideways look from a coworker can be enough to plant the seed of doubt: “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I do need that mortgage... or that promotion... or a child... now.”

Common Social Norms That Shape Financial Milestones

Owning Property = “Making It”

In Hong Kong, property ownership is a cultural milestone:

• Why It’s Powerful: It symbolizes security, success, and the sense that you’ve “arrived.”
• The Subconscious Pull: Even if you’ve always been okay with renting, attending a friend’s lavish housewarming or hearing offhand jokes about “throwing money away on rent” can rattle your resolve.

High-Paying Job > Everything Else

Prestige often matters more than personal satisfaction:

• Why It’s Powerful: A “stable” or “respectable” career stands as proof of your diligence and ambition.
• The Subconscious Pull: You might cling to a draining job because it “looks better on paper” or impresses your in-laws—despite feeling unfulfilled or burnt out.

Stability Over Risk

With Hong Kong’s volatile economic and political climate:

• Why It’s Powerful: Stability feels safe and responsible.
• The Subconscious Pull: You might avoid investing, side hustles, or career pivots—fearing what family or friends might say if you “fail.”

Marriage and Family Milestones

Some feel pressured to achieve a sequence—spouse, flat, kids—ASAP:

• Why It’s Powerful: It’s the script many families pass down; it looks and sounds “normal.”
• The Subconscious Pull: Even if kids were never on your radar, seeing your social circle all having children can awaken a deeply human urge to belong, spurring thoughts like, “Maybe I should join the club.”

The Real Cost of Following the Crowd

1. Financial Strain
   
   • Stretching to buy a flat or keep pace with friends who buy one might leave you with little emergency savings, vulnerable if layoffs occur.
2. Emotional Burnout
   
   • Sticking to a “stable” but unfulfilling job for appearances can lead to chronic stress, affecting your health and relationships.
3. Opportunity Loss
   
   • Adhering to a preset roadmap can blind you to other adventures—like traveling abroad, launching a unique business, or exploring a more flexible lifestyle.
4. Delayed Realization
   
   • Some people only wake up decades later, realizing they chased goals not their own—ending up with regrets about “the road not taken.”

Steps to Navigate Social Norms Intentionally

Step 1: Identify the Norms You Feel Pressured By

• Write down 2–3 you sense bearing on you (e.g., “Must buy a flat by 30,” “Must have kids soon,” “Must keep job stable even if I hate it”).
• Ask: “If no one was judging me, would I still want this?”

Step 2: Recognize the Evolutionary Urge

• Understand that wanting to fit in is hardwired: It kept our ancestors safe from exclusion (which once meant death).
• Realizing why we crave acceptance helps us approach these urges more rationally.

Step 3: Gather Real Information

• If you’re contemplating homeownership, research mortgage rates, property taxes, potential returns, and hidden fees.
• Talk to people who’ve made different choices—like renting happily or pursuing a less “stable” career successfully.

Step 4: Experiment With Small Steps

• Before jumping into a big life decision, test smaller parts:
  
  • Start a weekend side hustle if you’re curious about entrepreneurship.
  • Take short stints renting in various neighborhoods or overseas to see if location flexibility matters to you.

Step 5: Build a Support System

• Seek open-minded friends or online communities who respect different financial paths.
• If your family or peers are critical, politely emphasize you’ve done your homework and are making informed decisions.

Step 6: Redefine Your Own Success

• Picture your life in 5–10 years: Does success revolve around property, job titles, or might it be about freedom, relationships, or unique experiences?
• Put it in writing: a simple statement like, “Success to me is having enough flexibility to travel once a year and maintain a comfortable savings cushion.”

Real-Life Example: Danny Goes Against the Grain

Background: Danny’s family believed in buying property ASAP—no questions asked. But Danny realized a massive mortgage would block his dream of traveling and taking short-term courses overseas.

Choice: Ignoring disapproving relatives, he rented a modest flat and used savings to invest in himself—attending international workshops, exploring new skill sets.

Outcome: Danny built a global network, discovered new career opportunities, and still rents today—but with stronger finances and more personal growth than if he’d forced a mortgage early on.

Takeaway: Veering from the norm opened new doors the “safe route” could have closed.

Bringing It All Together

Revisiting the Power of Social Norms

• They’re not inherently evil or wrong; they helped our ancestors survive.
• In Hong Kong, norms like “buy property” or “stick to stable jobs” can have rational roots—housing scarcity, economic unpredictability, etc.
• But if these norms no longer serve you or actively restrict your potential, it’s worth questioning them.

What’s Next for You?

• Pause & Reflect: Which social milestones do you feel pressured to meet?
• Check Your Emotions: Are you about to buy a home or switch careers because you desire it, or because “it’s expected”?
• Remember: The urge to fit in is human nature. Recognize it, then decide intentionally if you want to follow or diverge from the crowd.

In the next lesson, we’ll explore The Allure of “Keeping Up”—how comparison culture and social media can heavily influence our financial decisions. For now, take a moment to reflect on any norms you find yourself subconsciously adopting. Are they truly your passions and goals, or are you simply going along for survival’s sake?